by The DL
This date marks the second long-awaited matchup of the Canes vs. Canes teams.
Pitted against one another are the veteran team (Puker's term for washed-up has-
beens) of Shogunz and the returning 2004 Hurricanes (interpreted as AAU team
rejects).
Shogunz is coming off an expected loss to Canes Demolition, where “The Chi”
emerged from obscurity to put the final dagger into their hearts. J-Lam and the
Johnsonaires played valiantly and held a sizeable lead for much of the 2nd half,
but Canes Demolition ultimately proved to be too much for them. Despite the
predictions of the Canesblog and the blatant bias of the Referee, Demolition
proved again why they are the team to beat.
2004, on the other hand, is coming off an exciting buzz-beater victory, led by the
cheering strengths of Chen Jim Puker (CJP). With about 9 minutes to go and down
9, CJP called a timeout to rally his troops and spread his propaganda:
"We are not playing like a team!! C’mon guys, play like a team!! Now is the time to
trust your teammates!" (DO IT OR I AM GOING TO CHOKE YOU!)
The speech proved effective, as 2004 came roaring back with a 15-2 run and took
the lead for good when (Cheer)Leader CJP tipped in the game winner off a missed
shot.
So when you put Shogunz and 2004 together, what do you get? Well really, you
get a meaningless Division 3 basketball game that no one cares about, which we
suspect is the reason why CJP hasn’t done the write-up yet. Luckily, your boy, The
DL will take the reigns of hyping up this snore-fest. This will be a pivotal game for
Shogunz, as their hopes of making the playoffs were diminished after losing to
Demolition. 2004 has already clinched a playoff berth and will now play for seeding.
Who will be victorious in this matchup of non-epic proportions???
To help sort out this RIVETING matchup, The DL brought in Player of the Week,
The Chi’s Hair, Great Stroke Sam of the Johnsonaires and the DPRK of the CJP
Regime.
The Chi’s Hair:
Q: Which uniform would you rather wear, the Shogunz V-Neck or the Puker Shimmy
Oranges?
A: The shimmy oranges, since I do own a pair of those. After all, Puker did get
them for the entire team. J wears his v-neck out of sentimental value. Personally I
do not own anything like that and would not wish to cause injustice to which that is
dear to J. That trademark will forever be unique to J. However, if I really had a
choice, I'd choose the royal blue Nike Uniforms that Skillzz made.
Advantage: Demolition
Q: What are your thoughts on Puker’s "motivational speeches"?
A: Puker's motivational speeches are second to none. They rival rants as
memorable as Jim Mora's "Playoffs? We're talking about playoffs?...", AI's
"Practice? We're talking about practice?", and most recently Dennis Green's tirade
after his Cardinals gave away the win on MNF. Puker's speeches rile up the troops
and inspire them to victory, as evidence by 2004's comeback against MJ
Remodeling and the Hurricanes run to glory to the NEAD championship last year
after they got mercy-ruled in one game. His speeches are passionate, since he
practically cries during them, and laughable, since I can never keep a straight face.
Advantage: Shogunz and Demolition, because they don't have to listen to it
Q: to Che or not to Che?
A: Che needs some manlove from Puker. The only one thing in life that MAY
exceed Puker's Manlove in depth and size is “Che-ism”.
Advantage: There's no advantage here for anyone. The apocalypse is definitely
coming soon…
Q: Which move is better, the Croc-arm shove of Dez or the Puker Pushoff?
A: “The Croc” is definitely more impressive. The distance to which an opponent
flies is a testament as to how strong those short arms are. The “Puker Push” has
been in place longer, but “The Croc” has redefined the art.
Advantage: Demolition
Q: Over/under of "Qwais" by CJP in the game?
A: I'd say 5, but can you ever have too many?
Q: Over/Under of personal fouls on CJP?
A: He’ll foul out. If there were no cap on fouls—then 8, but 4 from the legendary
“Puker Push”.
Q: What will be the X-Factor in the game?
A: The X-Factor will definitely be whether or not Dan's Metrosexual powers can
contain CJP's rampant manlove. But Dan is a smaller man than Shi. If Puker can
overpower Shi with his manlove, Dan, even with his great metrosexual powers, will
not be stand a chance. It's like pitting Batman without Kryptonite (human) against
Superman (superhuman). Puker's manlove transcends all metrosexuality. I fear for
Dan, as he may be crippled for life after the game. **DL has heard rumors that Dan
is already afraid for his life and will not be showing up**
Advantage: CJP and his MANLOVE
The Chi’s Hair's final verdict: The Chi and his hair can not consciously vote for
anyone with the Manlove that CJP displays, so Shogunz by 5, with Johnson scoring
38 points and Puker fouling out. The DL agrees with The Chi and The Chi’s Hair
that it is unacceptable for the CJP to recklessly and carelessly promote himself and
his manlove…
We were not able to get much out of the CJP Regime, as not much is known about
the reclusive Chen Jim Puker. However, Riveting Productions and your boy, The
DL were able to gain access and learn of how Chen Jim Puker was able to get his
weapon of mass destruction…
Formerly known as Ricky Kim, he was kidnapped by CJP and forced to play for
Canes 2004, even though Demolition had asked Ricky first. Once assimilated into
the regime, he became known as Dictator Puker’s Ricky Kim (DPRK). DPRK has
always been a scorer, but what has caused this transformation of averaging 24.7
points per game? The prevailing thought out there is that DPRK doesn't want to
incur the wrath of CJP, who's been known to choke players on the bench…(see
Myla, 2004 and the “speech picture above”).
Shogunz plans to counter with Johnson, who "Great Stroke" has predicted will drop
40 on the CJP Regime. As for how they plan on dismantling the WMD known as
DPRK, "Great Stroke" would only say "over 80 years of hoop IQ between myself
and Randy."
So who's regime will reign supreme? Will CJP’s manlove neutralize Johnson’s v-
neck armor and render him powerless? Will “Great Stroke” and Randy be able to
defuse the DPRK? This will be a very interesting game to watch…if you really have
nothing better to do that night.
Prediction: CJP will be distracted throughout the game by his MANLOVE of Shi
Mei, who will be on the sidelines; thus CJP will not be unable to impose his powers
on Johnson, who will drop 38 on 2004. DPRK will get his 25 points but will not be
enough to carry 2004 to victory. Shogunz will win by double digits, keeping their
playoff hopes alive.
